Manabu... [He sets the rag aside and moves to wrap his arms around Manabu's shoulders with a heavy sigh. He knew that there was no telling if he would stay for any length of time, but he certainly hopes that he will. He leans his head against his temple, holding him tight.]
I don't intend to leave. [He says quietly against his hair.] I'm going to stay as long as I can.
[He knows he can't promise that he won't leave. He knows that it's just how life was in Trench with how people came and went - but he would make sure that as long as he's capable he will stay.]
[it stings a lot, keeping his face like that, but whatever. Ryuunosuke's worth a few little stings and scrapes - worth more than that, really.
it shouldn't be right to admit that kind of selfish want, especially since Trench can be just so horrible to deal with, let alone make a living! but...he can't. Manabu can't stand it. when all the people he loves leave him, be it death or such permanent distance... how many times is he supposed to put up with that?! and now that he cares so much for Ryuunosuke...
the murmur into his hair and the breath against his ear sends a little tingle down his neck and spine, makes him hold his breath a beat before exhaling, turning his head a little.]
It's not fair of me to ask you to stay. Even if it's in your power. I know. I'm sorry. But it's just what I feel...!
You're allowed to want things, you know. You're allowed to feel that way. [He whispers, still holding him tight.] If it helps... I don't want to leave.
[Not yet. Not until Trench beats him down to nothing, or if Manabu leaves before him. He doesn't think he has much of a choice, there's just so much to Trench that they still don't know. As long as he's allowed to be here by the grace of the gods that ruled over Trench, he will stay.]
[Manabu feels a little knot of guilt at hearing the reassurance - like it's wrong of him to have shown his hand like that at all. but really, that sort of thing plays on his face and in his actions easily enough without him speaking to it. still...saying it aloud just means he trusts Ryuunosuke all the more for it all.
at the admission, he lifts his head a little, turning his head a bit to see him from over the bridge of his nose. of course he'll see sincerity there - Ryuunosuke's no liar.
he utters a sound in the cadence of thank you, closing his eyes and nuzzling Ryuunosuke's cheek before kissing it, feeling a mix of gratitude and a surging want to protect him from...well. everything. everyone. whatever would separate them.]
[He wants to tell him that he doesn't need to thank him for anything, but he appreciates it nevertheless. Ryunosuke smiles softly, turning his head to return the kiss against his cheek. It was sobering, talking about the potential of disappearing, of returning to the sea when they've lost so many friends. At least for now they have each other.
He's just grateful that he has Manabu. That he has Kazuma.
His pool of people he could trust was limited for now, but with a little work between them, he's certain that it will grow.
He kisses his cheek again, another reassurance that he wasn't going anywhere.]
[there's some consolation in those kisses - paid back twice what he gave! - and Manabu exhales a little easier, his shoulders losing some of their tension. while Ryuunosuke's got hope in his heart for better tomorrows, Manabu's can't help but fearfully cling to what he has today - not his typical modus operandi, but he's also not aware he's doing it, either. perspective's a little hard to recognize when one's in the midst of it.]
Is... [his head dips a little, sheepish.] I-is it okay...to kiss you for a bit? [his gaze darts away with some fluster.] U-unless you've got. Things to do! Obviously.
[Ryunosuke flushes at Manabu's question, sheepishly nodding before he finally responds.]
Yes! Yes, it's fine. You don't really have to ask me, you know.
[He says low, moving one hand up from his shoulder to card through his hair. He doesn't think he really needs to be asked to be kissed, but he does appreciate it all the same. It's just nice to be wanted in the way. Though that's something he may need to reflect on later - right now he just wants to be in the moment.
Right now, Manabu has his attention, and whatever worries that are on his mind will be something he addresses later.]
[of course he has to ask! and he'll keep asking, and Ryuunosuke's going to keep reminding him he doesn't have to. but as far as enjoying this kind of contact? he won't need any advising on that. shy little kisses preamble the longer, more assured sorts that really indulge in the nice feelings that arise; there's been a surplus of the negative of late, and it makes a moment like this all the more worthwhile.
...it almost makes certain moments after the fact all the more dreadful. and the hours after those certain moments are torture. having faced Kazuma from that surprise punch, that surprise kisshe's done something irreversibly wrong. and worse: he can't fix this. even worse: he...has to take responsibility. and nothing will be the same again.
he's going to lose the most important people left to him here and he can't tell them otherwise!
so the next time he's at the apartment, Magnet doesn't precede him, instead guiltily padding at his side.]
...Ryu--Ryuunosuke...? [he gulps, throat dry.] Are you here?
[...]
Is...Kazuma here?
[did he actually show up to speak of what happened??]
[This time he's sitting in the living room with his knees drawn up reading a book. He's nearly completely focused on it, eyes darting over each word before he marks his place and sets it aside. Ryunosuke gets up to greet Manabu, but notices the way Magnet trots in next to him and furrows his brows in worry.]
No... He left earlier today but I haven't seen him since.
[Now that worried him. Especially with everything that was going on in Trench... was he getting into a fight? Was he hurt? Was he on the shore waiting to let the sea take him? A million things go through his head and his Omni was resting on the table next to his book. He glances toward it, then back to Manabu.]
Is he okay? [A pause, before he gets a better look at his face.] Are you okay?
[that suckerpunch was no joke: Manabu's going to be wearing that welt for a while. he may as well, all things considered, maybe?
in any case, Manabu looks dismayed, wavering in place, almost stepping away from him.]
I--n, no. I mean-- [too many thoughts, too many things to say and none of the eloquence. he grimaces.] Ryuunosuke...I... Everything's a mess. I messed up, I--
Hey, hey. Slow down. [He walks over to Manabu, resting one hand on his shoulder while the other goes to his chin to turn his head to check on the mark on his cheek.] Talk me through it. Why is everything a mess?
[How did he mess up?
And why does he get the feeling it has something to do with Kazuma?]
[the touch quiets him for but a moment; once why processes in his head, he steps away, shaking his head.
gesturing emphatically:] He came out of nowhere, Ryuunosuke! Socked me right in the face and, and tried to trip me up and then told me I'm the problem! Then when I asked him what the hell he was talking about, he-- he kissed me?! [his voice cracks with strain at that, because he's still really fucking confused about that most of all. who says you're a problem and then does that?!
but that's not all - he knows it's not, but he can't just...spew that out like all the rest of this word-spaghetti.]
Kazuma did thi-- [He stops and stares at Manabu, shock clearly evident in his expression. Kazuma did what now? His mind is racing with a million thoughts, but nothing makes sense. Why would he-- what could have possessed him-- Trench had its strange months but to have him go from punching Manabu to kissing him... Ryunosuke's chest feels heavy, his heart constricting at thoughts that he's told himself he wouldn't have.
It wasn't fair to keep comparing himself to Kazuma, to him or his friend.]
He kissed you? [He says quietly, withdrawing his hand from his chin.
[insistent:] I said “what’s your problem,” he said I was the problem, an-and then he! Yeah! I don’t know, he-! I!
[he steps around him to pace, hands pressed on the back of his neck. he feels like throwing up a little - not out of disgust, but of confusion, of shame.]
I was… so confused. So angry, Ryuunosuke! I! And before I could think again, I—
[his hands drag to his face, turning away from him.
after a loud exhale:] I pushed him off me after. After I, I realized what I was doing. Because me, too… I don’t know why, and all I could do was yell at him to get the hell away!
[What does he say? It sounds like-- but that couldn't possibly... they wouldn't. Would they? He furrows his brows, watching as Manabu starts to pace around the room. He's left mostly speechless, not sure how to wrap his head around what's happening. Manabu was making some sense, but other parts he was lost on.
He follows him further into the room, watching him in confusion before he waves his hands a bit.]
So let me get this straight. Kazuma found you, punched you in the face, but then he kissed you. [A pause, his hands lowering.] And you... kissed him back?
[Oh.
Oh. It's like a pin dropping, everything going static. If that was the case then... where did that leave him?]
I don’t know why! [he whirls around, eyes wide and expression tormented. seeing that look on Ryuunosuke’s face might kill him if he looks too long; he turns away.]
I don’t…I don’t know why. What’s going on. If it’s my blood, if it’s some Pthumerian, I…I don’t know!
And worse, I…I don’t know if that’s what made him like that. And why I…I told him to leave me alone. Us, I mean.
…I …I told him to leave us alone. And he said goodbye. And that’s. That’s all I know.
[He doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know what to do. What could he say? He's not...angry. He should be angry but he just doesn't feel any sort of anger or even disappointment. He's not even surprised by what happened. He rubs his face, shaking his head as he tries to really comprehend what is going on. Should he be the one stepping aside?]
He said goodbye?! [What did that mean?]
We should - we should find him. Maybe we can talk through this. [He's not even sure how he's feeling, let alone what will happen if Kazuma and Manabu get together again.]
[why hasn't Ryuu hit him yet? or...or at least looked like he wanted to hit him? or worse: looked just plain disappointed. Manabu had already painted this sequence crudely in his head, and it's clear by the way his expression strains and struggles to understand what's being asked of him, all while still bracing for some kind of retaliation that simply isn't coming.
talk?] Talk...? Wh--but, but didn't you hear me? He said-- I'm the problem! If I-- [his teeth click together as he clenches his jaw tightly, biting back on the fears spilling out of him, shaking his head.]
N...N-no, no you're...you're right. I--I have to make this right. It's on me to make this right! [he looks down at his hands and, peripherally, at his omen who is looking back up at him with alertness.]
Anything less is...cowardice...and you deserve better. [than him!!!] Y-you both do. So.
[At least not the sense that it came across as. He knows Kazuma, despite all that's come between them. There must be something deeper going on that he can't explain - or maybe it was just the Pthumerians wrecking their lives. All that he knows is that he's deeply confused by what he's feeling and maybe it would be best if Manabu and Kazuma talked it out.]
I don't think it's just on you to make it right. [He adds on, taking a step forward.] Kazuma is as much to blame. [Do you feel the same for him as you do me? Would you prefer Kazuma? He needs to stop thinking this way. Yes, between the two of them Kazuma was the more popular, more handsome, more interesting -- which is why he's not surprised, but that just makes it worse doesn't it? That somewhere, deep down he assumed something like this would happen. He feels guilty for those thoughts, it twisted up in him, threatening to drag him down.]
I just think... maybe talking it through will help. I don't know. I don't know. [He admits with a frown.] I mean- do you like him? Like that? [Does he really want to know?]
[Manabu breathes it out with genuine confusion.] Wh-what...what kind of... [despite his face getting hot, he steps forward, trying to straighten up, fists at his sides.] That doesn't make sense! Because you're, you're the one I-! From the start, I've been looking at you!
[and there's no possibility of seeing anyone else; the very suggestion someone could have feelings for another person when they've already established a relationship is foreign to him - he doesn't know the gray areas of these kinds of things!
you agree to date, you can no longer find appeal in anyone else. that's what makes sense to him! anything more is...
...
he can't think about that right now. it makes his chest hurt, scares him more with the unknown possibilities, taunts him with the faint impression of Kazuma's lips on his and his knuckles on his face. before he can think too much on it, he advances again, daring to reach over and grab at Ryuunosuke's hands, clutching both of them.]
I don't know what's going on, but--but whatever is going on...I'm not going to let it steal my feelings for you! Even if I'm the problem. They're still my feelings!
[He starts to argue, but he cuts himself off. That didn't mean that Manabu didn't like Kazuma as more than just a friend, but he can see it in his expression, the way he clutches his hands, that he might not really know exactly what he's feeling either. He smiles a little, grasping Manabu's hands in return in a reassuring gesture.]
That's my point, though. They're your feelings. I don't think that's going to change whether you like me or Kazuma. [There's a pause.] I'm sorry that I doubted that you might... have stopped feeling that way for me. [It was just for a moment - a moment of weakness - but it still happened.] I just thought...
[He doesn't finish that sentence.]
You know I'm not mad... right? [Beacuse if there is one thing he's still trying to figure out is how he's feeling about all of this.
Cause something's tipping, changing course, and he's not sure where this path is going to lead them.]
[that remark is met with more confusion - not as viscerally frightened as moments before, but still quite at a loss... the squeeze that comes back to Ryuunosuke is one born of that unease - a twitch, a tension he's still trapped in because of this unknown, uncomfortable circumstance.]
I... I mean-- If...if anyone should be mad, it's you, right? I think. I, I don't know. This is...way over my head in...in so many ways, I just-- [he ducks his head.
he cannot lose Ryuunosuke, too-! he'd be so alone.]
I just want to fix this! So you don't...have to be mad. Or, or sad, or anything like that!
I know. [He squeezes his hand again in encouragement.] And ... we will. You won't have to be alone. We can do this together.
[Emotions were messy, uneasy things, and if there was one thing he knew out of how he was feeling? He wasn't going to lose Manabu. He couldn't. Even if this ended with them just remaining as friends---
No. No, he wasn't going to think that way. Manabu wanted to fix this. Ryunosuke wanted to make things right as well.
He's worried that this is only going to get more complicated by the end of it, however, because they still need to account for Kazuma. It was strange to think of him as the wild card in all of this.]
You told Kazuma to leave... that's what you said earlier right? Do you know where he went?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 01:13 am (UTC)I don't intend to leave. [He says quietly against his hair.] I'm going to stay as long as I can.
[He knows he can't promise that he won't leave. He knows that it's just how life was in Trench with how people came and went - but he would make sure that as long as he's capable he will stay.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 01:21 am (UTC)it shouldn't be right to admit that kind of selfish want, especially since Trench can be just so horrible to deal with, let alone make a living! but...he can't. Manabu can't stand it. when all the people he loves leave him, be it death or such permanent distance... how many times is he supposed to put up with that?! and now that he cares so much for Ryuunosuke...
the murmur into his hair and the breath against his ear sends a little tingle down his neck and spine, makes him hold his breath a beat before exhaling, turning his head a little.]
It's not fair of me to ask you to stay. Even if it's in your power. I know. I'm sorry. But it's just what I feel...!
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 01:41 am (UTC)[Not yet. Not until Trench beats him down to nothing, or if Manabu leaves before him. He doesn't think he has much of a choice, there's just so much to Trench that they still don't know. As long as he's allowed to be here by the grace of the gods that ruled over Trench, he will stay.]
I don't want you to leave either.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 01:59 am (UTC)at the admission, he lifts his head a little, turning his head a bit to see him from over the bridge of his nose. of course he'll see sincerity there - Ryuunosuke's no liar.
he utters a sound in the cadence of thank you, closing his eyes and nuzzling Ryuunosuke's cheek before kissing it, feeling a mix of gratitude and a surging want to protect him from...well. everything. everyone. whatever would separate them.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 02:16 am (UTC)He's just grateful that he has Manabu. That he has Kazuma.
His pool of people he could trust was limited for now, but with a little work between them, he's certain that it will grow.
He kisses his cheek again, another reassurance that he wasn't going anywhere.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 02:37 am (UTC)Is... [his head dips a little, sheepish.] I-is it okay...to kiss you for a bit? [his gaze darts away with some fluster.] U-unless you've got. Things to do! Obviously.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 05:51 pm (UTC)Yes! Yes, it's fine. You don't really have to ask me, you know.
[He says low, moving one hand up from his shoulder to card through his hair. He doesn't think he really needs to be asked to be kissed, but he does appreciate it all the same. It's just nice to be wanted in the way. Though that's something he may need to reflect on later - right now he just wants to be in the moment.
Right now, Manabu has his attention, and whatever worries that are on his mind will be something he addresses later.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 06:17 pm (UTC)...it almost makes certain moments after the fact all the more dreadful. and the hours after those certain moments are torture. having faced Kazuma from that surprise punch, that surprise kisshe's done something irreversibly wrong. and worse: he can't fix this. even worse: he...has to take responsibility. and nothing will be the same again.
he's going to lose the most important people left to him here and he can't tell them otherwise!
so the next time he's at the apartment, Magnet doesn't precede him, instead guiltily padding at his side.]
...Ryu--Ryuunosuke...? [he gulps, throat dry.] Are you here?
[...]
Is...Kazuma here?
[did he actually show up to speak of what happened??]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 06:50 pm (UTC)No... He left earlier today but I haven't seen him since.
[Now that worried him. Especially with everything that was going on in Trench... was he getting into a fight? Was he hurt? Was he on the shore waiting to let the sea take him? A million things go through his head and his Omni was resting on the table next to his book. He glances toward it, then back to Manabu.]
Is he okay? [A pause, before he gets a better look at his face.] Are you okay?
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 06:55 pm (UTC)in any case, Manabu looks dismayed, wavering in place, almost stepping away from him.]
I--n, no. I mean-- [too many thoughts, too many things to say and none of the eloquence. he grimaces.] Ryuunosuke...I... Everything's a mess. I messed up, I--
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 07:37 pm (UTC)[How did he mess up?
And why does he get the feeling it has something to do with Kazuma?]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 07:41 pm (UTC)gesturing emphatically:] He came out of nowhere, Ryuunosuke! Socked me right in the face and, and tried to trip me up and then told me I'm the problem! Then when I asked him what the hell he was talking about, he-- he kissed me?! [his voice cracks with strain at that, because he's still really fucking confused about that most of all. who says you're a problem and then does that?!
but that's not all - he knows it's not, but he can't just...spew that out like all the rest of this word-spaghetti.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 08:18 pm (UTC)It wasn't fair to keep comparing himself to Kazuma, to him or his friend.]
He kissed you? [He says quietly, withdrawing his hand from his chin.
He doesn't know what to say.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 09:09 pm (UTC)[he steps around him to pace, hands pressed on the back of his neck. he feels like throwing up a little - not out of disgust, but of confusion, of shame.]
I was… so confused. So angry, Ryuunosuke! I! And before I could think again, I—
[his hands drag to his face, turning away from him.
after a loud exhale:] I pushed him off me after. After I, I realized what I was doing. Because me, too… I don’t know why, and all I could do was yell at him to get the hell away!
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 10:06 pm (UTC)He follows him further into the room, watching him in confusion before he waves his hands a bit.]
So let me get this straight. Kazuma found you, punched you in the face, but then he kissed you. [A pause, his hands lowering.] And you... kissed him back?
[Oh.
Oh. It's like a pin dropping, everything going static. If that was the case then... where did that leave him?]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-17 10:43 pm (UTC)I don’t…I don’t know why. What’s going on. If it’s my blood, if it’s some Pthumerian, I…I don’t know!
And worse, I…I don’t know if that’s what made him like that. And why I…I told him to leave me alone. Us, I mean.
…I …I told him to leave us alone. And he said goodbye. And that’s. That’s all I know.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-18 12:50 am (UTC)[He doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know what to do. What could he say? He's not...angry. He should be angry but he just doesn't feel any sort of anger or even disappointment. He's not even surprised by what happened. He rubs his face, shaking his head as he tries to really comprehend what is going on. Should he be the one stepping aside?]
He said goodbye?! [What did that mean?]
We should - we should find him. Maybe we can talk through this. [He's not even sure how he's feeling, let alone what will happen if Kazuma and Manabu get together again.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-18 12:56 am (UTC)talk?] Talk...? Wh--but, but didn't you hear me? He said-- I'm the problem! If I-- [his teeth click together as he clenches his jaw tightly, biting back on the fears spilling out of him, shaking his head.]
N...N-no, no you're...you're right. I--I have to make this right. It's on me to make this right! [he looks down at his hands and, peripherally, at his omen who is looking back up at him with alertness.]
Anything less is...cowardice...and you deserve better. [than him!!!] Y-you both do. So.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-18 01:06 am (UTC)[At least not the sense that it came across as. He knows Kazuma, despite all that's come between them. There must be something deeper going on that he can't explain - or maybe it was just the Pthumerians wrecking their lives. All that he knows is that he's deeply confused by what he's feeling and maybe it would be best if Manabu and Kazuma talked it out.]
I don't think it's just on you to make it right. [He adds on, taking a step forward.] Kazuma is as much to blame. [Do you feel the same for him as you do me? Would you prefer Kazuma? He needs to stop thinking this way. Yes, between the two of them Kazuma was the more popular, more handsome, more interesting -- which is why he's not surprised, but that just makes it worse doesn't it? That somewhere, deep down he assumed something like this would happen. He feels guilty for those thoughts, it twisted up in him, threatening to drag him down.]
I just think... maybe talking it through will help. I don't know. I don't know. [He admits with a frown.] I mean- do you like him? Like that? [Does he really want to know?]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-18 01:13 am (UTC)[Manabu breathes it out with genuine confusion.] Wh-what...what kind of... [despite his face getting hot, he steps forward, trying to straighten up, fists at his sides.] That doesn't make sense! Because you're, you're the one I-! From the start, I've been looking at you!
[and there's no possibility of seeing anyone else; the very suggestion someone could have feelings for another person when they've already established a relationship is foreign to him - he doesn't know the gray areas of these kinds of things!
you agree to date, you can no longer find appeal in anyone else. that's what makes sense to him! anything more is...
...
he can't think about that right now. it makes his chest hurt, scares him more with the unknown possibilities, taunts him with the faint impression of Kazuma's lips on his and his knuckles on his face. before he can think too much on it, he advances again, daring to reach over and grab at Ryuunosuke's hands, clutching both of them.]
I don't know what's going on, but--but whatever is going on...I'm not going to let it steal my feelings for you! Even if I'm the problem. They're still my feelings!
no subject
Date: 2022-07-19 12:18 am (UTC)[He starts to argue, but he cuts himself off. That didn't mean that Manabu didn't like Kazuma as more than just a friend, but he can see it in his expression, the way he clutches his hands, that he might not really know exactly what he's feeling either. He smiles a little, grasping Manabu's hands in return in a reassuring gesture.]
That's my point, though. They're your feelings. I don't think that's going to change whether you like me or Kazuma. [There's a pause.] I'm sorry that I doubted that you might... have stopped feeling that way for me. [It was just for a moment - a moment of weakness - but it still happened.] I just thought...
[He doesn't finish that sentence.]
You know I'm not mad... right? [Beacuse if there is one thing he's still trying to figure out is how he's feeling about all of this.
Cause something's tipping, changing course, and he's not sure where this path is going to lead them.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-19 12:29 am (UTC)I... I mean-- If...if anyone should be mad, it's you, right? I think. I, I don't know. This is...way over my head in...in so many ways, I just-- [he ducks his head.
he cannot lose Ryuunosuke, too-! he'd be so alone.]
I just want to fix this! So you don't...have to be mad. Or, or sad, or anything like that!
no subject
Date: 2022-07-31 06:56 pm (UTC)[Emotions were messy, uneasy things, and if there was one thing he knew out of how he was feeling? He wasn't going to lose Manabu. He couldn't. Even if this ended with them just remaining as friends---
No. No, he wasn't going to think that way. Manabu wanted to fix this. Ryunosuke wanted to make things right as well.
He's worried that this is only going to get more complicated by the end of it, however, because they still need to account for Kazuma. It was strange to think of him as the wild card in all of this.]
You told Kazuma to leave... that's what you said earlier right? Do you know where he went?
no subject
Date: 2022-07-31 07:09 pm (UTC)It...It was down in Willful Machine, though? Where he hit me. I don't know if he'd stick around, though.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-31 07:21 pm (UTC)We should look for him - maybe... maybe we can talk about this. Or at the very least get an explanation from him.
[He reaches out to cup Manabu's cheek.]
And we'll fix this. I'm sure.
[He has to be.]
(no subject)
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